Lately I've been trying out this thing called honesty. It's had mixed results. I recently caused a stir in the local dance community when I posted a negative review of a show. A few people privately told me they were proud of me for doing it, but most people who posted publicly seemed very upset with me. People were quick to defend the performers and the creator of the piece - but the show itself? Not so much. This told me that I was not the only one who had these views. Everyone else seemed intent on tip toeing around, trying not to hurt anyone's feelings - but not I. Not anymore.
So today I am going to write about someone I used to be friends with. Someone who I now consider a frenemy. Urban Dictionary defines a frenemy (a portmanteau of friend and enemy, in case you were wondering) as 'An enemy disguised as a friend. Someone who you pretend to like but really you both know you hate each other.' This frenemy and I were 'best' friends when I was in high school, but now I'm not sure if we were ever really good friends. At the time I was constantly trying to convince him to break up with his good for nothing boyfriend so the two of us could date - not exactly a selfless motive.
I think I realized our friendship was over on the day of my high school graduation - I'd bought my frenemy a ticket to the dinner but he didn't show up. The next day someone told me they'd seen him out in Winnipeg the night before with some new girl friend of his...so I knew he wasn't busy with anything important. I guess this is when I realized how little our friendship must have meant to him, how fickle he was as a person.
That was when the frenemy dynamic between us began. It has continued to this day, at least on my part. We pretend like we get along when we run into each other (which doesn't happen often, but still) but behind his back I've said awful things about him. When he told me about a guy he was hoping to date, I drunkenly messaged his future boyfriend to warn him about the personal and financial danger he could be in if he decided to link himself romantically to my frenemy. More recently I took my feelings public and posted a comment on my frenemy's Facebook to say I was not a fan of something he had worked on. I'm not sure what my motive for this was either. We ran into each other a few days later and he invited me to something he was working on, and I invited him to a show I was in a week later. I didn't attend his event, and he didn't attend mine (even though he lives in the building attached to where my performance was.) It's these petty little things that I'm done with. Why say we're going to be there for each other when it's clear we have no interest in following through? It's my high school graduation all over again.
Maybe this is what everyone does? Maybe it's better to be a fake friend than a real enemy? Though, I think enemy is probably too strong a word for what I feel. Being indifferent doesn't seem so bad. Maybe it's immature for me to be carrying this grudge with me years later but I can't help it, I was hurt. Maybe he's changed and he's a better person now...but can people really change the way they operate?
Frenemy, if you're reading this, I assume you've figured out by now that it's about you. You're not my friend anymore...but were you ever, really? I don't think it will make any difference now, so I'm putting it out in the open so I can be done with it.
I feel better.